Somehow an email got passed along to me from a mom asking for prayers for her son who was on a mission and had encountered anti-Mormon material for the first time and was seriously doubting his foundations. She asked if we felt inspired to write him a note of testimony to do so. To my surprise, I did feel compelled to write this stranger to try to offer what had been helpful since I had suffered my own testimony blows.
Might as well share it for anyone else in the same situation if it can offer any comfort.
Hello, I'm not sure how I got
your mom's note asking for prayers of support for you, and I don't think you
are in my ward and maybe not even my stake, but I feel like I should write. It
seems you might be experiencing something I ran into myself several months ago
and I felt impressed to offer some thoughts from someone a few steps ahead of
you in a similar unsettling situation.
My name is Valerie, and I am a 42-year-old married mother of four, a lifelong member who has always had great faith and a solid testimony. It may not seem we would have much in common, but faith is a universal thing, as is a crisis of faith.
For me, it was a good friend from BYU that looked me up on Facebook and I found out that while he is still active to some extent, he is the founder of a rather large and busy blog that brought up all kinds of questions for me about the church. I was already in a very difficult place of trial and upheaval when I read several things on there and it turned everything upside down. It was so sudden. It was like I was one day safely and happily in my secure place of faith and it all made perfect sense, and he somehow shoved me out of it, and the next day I was looking in from the outside through a thick window of glass. I suddenly had no foundation, I went to look for my testimony and couldn't find it.
I was flailing and scared.
The well-meaning advice to just keep going and moving through the motions and it would all work out, it wasn't working for me. When I prayed, I didn't feel an answer forthcoming. Those who are close to me became afraid; it started to affect my relationships. It was like I couldn't understand the language anymore, even though it was my native tongue. The discrepancy between what I felt before and after was painful and sometimes I wanted to just avoid it and hide and not deal with it—the convenient “Sunday headache.” Yet all this time I had been praying, fasting, and going to the temple constantly--could so much darkness result from so much effort? I thought storms like this could only happen if I did something wrong.
So I'm writing to give you a few thoughts that have been anchors to me at a time where I felt like my foundation disappeared and things felt very turbulent.
If you imagine that your belief structure is comprised of a tower of blocks on a table, moments like this feel like the table has been tipped over, and when you set your table back up, you're not sure what you can safely put on it.
On the other hand, we all have gaps in our perception and none of us have completely solid foundations. This clean slate might even allow for a new opportunity to build it consciously as an adult, and carefully to avoid putting things back on the table that should never have been there--the fluff, the family baggage, cultural elements.
When you stand looking at your empty table, you may feel compelled to hurry and find the box that says “the church is true” as fast as possible and put it on the table. But that can't happen first. It is not the first block. Others might disagree with me on this, but I think recognizing this could help you to make sure you're asking the right question when you pray.
The purpose of the church is to lead people to Christ, it's the purpose of most churches. The church is not Christ himself, it is a structure by which we learn about him and come to him. Again, many churches try to do this, most of them well meaning. All our religion and devotion and our ordinances and rituals, are designed to point us to a direct and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
One thing that can get in the way is when kids get testimonies of the church before they get a testimony of Christ. Their conduit to God is through the church. So in a moment of a crisis of faith in the truthfulness of the church, it's hard to reach out to God, because all of the previous connection has been done through the church. But what do you ask investigators to do when they're wondering about the church? They reach out directly to God. And sometimes the first step is for them to realize there is a God to pray to. This is the universal truth, that there is a loving God working patiently with you and who has gone before you and knows and feels everything you think and feel, even your fears and doubts, and understands perfectly. This is your anchor and is an easier first block.
When doubt comes in, especially when church=God, it is common for that doubt to come into everything you believe—is there a God at all? Even with everything that has happened in my life that has shown me over and over God's personal hand in my life, as my faith in the church wavered, even my faith in God would sometimes take a beating, and the darkness of confusion and fear can even overshadow any direct experience we have had with God and make us question our own perceptions.
Remember Moses, when he looks at Satan and fears, he looks into hell. Fear is the enemy. Read about the New Testament Christ—he is always preaching a doctrine against fear. Doubt creates fear and darkness, but at the same time, you don’t want to blindly believe things that aren’t true. How do you eliminate the dangers of fear while still determining what facts you can rely on? There is no fear in love, which is why Christ preaches love of God and man. You need to first access God’s love.
My name is Valerie, and I am a 42-year-old married mother of four, a lifelong member who has always had great faith and a solid testimony. It may not seem we would have much in common, but faith is a universal thing, as is a crisis of faith.
For me, it was a good friend from BYU that looked me up on Facebook and I found out that while he is still active to some extent, he is the founder of a rather large and busy blog that brought up all kinds of questions for me about the church. I was already in a very difficult place of trial and upheaval when I read several things on there and it turned everything upside down. It was so sudden. It was like I was one day safely and happily in my secure place of faith and it all made perfect sense, and he somehow shoved me out of it, and the next day I was looking in from the outside through a thick window of glass. I suddenly had no foundation, I went to look for my testimony and couldn't find it.
I was flailing and scared.
The well-meaning advice to just keep going and moving through the motions and it would all work out, it wasn't working for me. When I prayed, I didn't feel an answer forthcoming. Those who are close to me became afraid; it started to affect my relationships. It was like I couldn't understand the language anymore, even though it was my native tongue. The discrepancy between what I felt before and after was painful and sometimes I wanted to just avoid it and hide and not deal with it—the convenient “Sunday headache.” Yet all this time I had been praying, fasting, and going to the temple constantly--could so much darkness result from so much effort? I thought storms like this could only happen if I did something wrong.
So I'm writing to give you a few thoughts that have been anchors to me at a time where I felt like my foundation disappeared and things felt very turbulent.
If you imagine that your belief structure is comprised of a tower of blocks on a table, moments like this feel like the table has been tipped over, and when you set your table back up, you're not sure what you can safely put on it.
On the other hand, we all have gaps in our perception and none of us have completely solid foundations. This clean slate might even allow for a new opportunity to build it consciously as an adult, and carefully to avoid putting things back on the table that should never have been there--the fluff, the family baggage, cultural elements.
When you stand looking at your empty table, you may feel compelled to hurry and find the box that says “the church is true” as fast as possible and put it on the table. But that can't happen first. It is not the first block. Others might disagree with me on this, but I think recognizing this could help you to make sure you're asking the right question when you pray.
The purpose of the church is to lead people to Christ, it's the purpose of most churches. The church is not Christ himself, it is a structure by which we learn about him and come to him. Again, many churches try to do this, most of them well meaning. All our religion and devotion and our ordinances and rituals, are designed to point us to a direct and personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
One thing that can get in the way is when kids get testimonies of the church before they get a testimony of Christ. Their conduit to God is through the church. So in a moment of a crisis of faith in the truthfulness of the church, it's hard to reach out to God, because all of the previous connection has been done through the church. But what do you ask investigators to do when they're wondering about the church? They reach out directly to God. And sometimes the first step is for them to realize there is a God to pray to. This is the universal truth, that there is a loving God working patiently with you and who has gone before you and knows and feels everything you think and feel, even your fears and doubts, and understands perfectly. This is your anchor and is an easier first block.
When doubt comes in, especially when church=God, it is common for that doubt to come into everything you believe—is there a God at all? Even with everything that has happened in my life that has shown me over and over God's personal hand in my life, as my faith in the church wavered, even my faith in God would sometimes take a beating, and the darkness of confusion and fear can even overshadow any direct experience we have had with God and make us question our own perceptions.
Remember Moses, when he looks at Satan and fears, he looks into hell. Fear is the enemy. Read about the New Testament Christ—he is always preaching a doctrine against fear. Doubt creates fear and darkness, but at the same time, you don’t want to blindly believe things that aren’t true. How do you eliminate the dangers of fear while still determining what facts you can rely on? There is no fear in love, which is why Christ preaches love of God and man. You need to first access God’s love.
For me, the thing I
see that saves us in moments of doubt is that we can take the hand of God, and
he will patiently walk us through whatever needs to be walked through to
understand whatever he wants us to understand. And it might take longer than
you would like, but he, the Savior, is not the one who condemns, especially not
for your doubt. No, he is always your
advocate. He is near
you—he is brow to brow with you in prayer, he feels everything you feel.
And while this may seem crazy, his plan for you cannot be derailed if you are
looking to him. It is even possible he allowed this crisis of faith
purely as an essential way to connect you more firmly to him as the author and
finisher of our faith. I have felt that may be the case for me, at least.
Do you see in the Scriptures how often when Christ comes across someone who needs him, he will ask them first if they will believe what he has to say, or do what he asks them to do? He asks this before he does the miracle or performs the act requested.
If Christ were to ask you now, "if I tell you what is true, or if I simply ask you to do something--even something that doesn't seem to make sense, like putting mud on your eyes or washing seven times in a river--will you do what I ask you to do? Will you cling to the doubt or the fear, or will you trust me?” He may be waiting for your answer before he gives you his.
That answer can be a key for you. If your faith in the church takes a beating, will you still do what God himself asks you to do? Will you take his hand in the sudden darkness and not demand to see every step, or throw your hands up in despair that you can no longer see?
What I have learned over the past several months as I have prayed for my faith to magically be restored and my understanding to be quickened again, is that it hasn't worked that way. I have begged to be either safely brought back inside the room where it all made perfect sense, OR be allowed to throw the whole thing away. The Lord has not given me either. But he has gently talked to me and asked for things. He has reminded me that my loyalty is to him. He is reminded me of the times he has showed me his love. He has reminded me that I can trust him, the creator of all. He has reminded me that the first principle of the gospel of faith—and faith is not knowing. Faith is trusting. In our church, we always talk about knowing, and it is scary when you realize you’ve got to go back to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ instead.
And sometimes, when I think I want to ask if everything is true and please just restore my testimony, sometimes I feel like He is still working on the foundation, and probably this time making it stronger, and based on the fundamentals: Do I trust Jesus Christ? Will I be loyal to him?
I look on what I have come to know about God, his amazing power and love and compassion, and I don't believe there's anyone in this world, in our church or out of it, who can call upon him and not have him answer. And even in my most doubtful moments, I knew that even if this entire church was founded on lies, that the God I knew would happily take 15 million people who wanted to serve him and would still bring things about to his purposes. I joked with my husband, "even if this wasn't his church to start out with, God would never turn down 15 million volunteers." I say this jokingly, but there's some truth to the idea that wherever people want to serve Him, he will accept it and make it his. Including you, there on your mission. He has the power to transcend even the most baffling of human weaknesses.
This is a very good thing, since our church, as well as any other organization involving human beings, is rife with them. How can something with real flaws be of God? It's a question we could ask about the entire earth, about each other, about ourselves. But I see that he will work with anything willing to work with him.
So, if I were to offer any advice, it is to be firmly and faithfully loyal to your Savior, Jesus Christ. Trust him, trust that if you put him first, you will not be led astray. No matter what crazy story, true or false, you might hear about the church, nothing can separate you from the love of God, Paul says so. If the Lord's hand is ready to hold and guide you through whatever you need to know, you don't need to feel you have no foundation.
It's too easy to throw it all away -everything our ancestors sacrificed so much for. I was so close to just bagging it all. It would be so much easier in some ways. It got to a point where I almost did not want it to be true. Some things were too painful and too hard. But I tried to stay loyal to Christ himself, and I put my hand in his, first and foremost, and I feel okay.
But this isn't because he opened the heavens to give me a great vision about how 'it's all okay and everything is perfectly true just as I always thought it was.' I feel him asking me, "If I tell you, will you do what I ask? Do you trust me?"
Do you see in the Scriptures how often when Christ comes across someone who needs him, he will ask them first if they will believe what he has to say, or do what he asks them to do? He asks this before he does the miracle or performs the act requested.
If Christ were to ask you now, "if I tell you what is true, or if I simply ask you to do something--even something that doesn't seem to make sense, like putting mud on your eyes or washing seven times in a river--will you do what I ask you to do? Will you cling to the doubt or the fear, or will you trust me?” He may be waiting for your answer before he gives you his.
That answer can be a key for you. If your faith in the church takes a beating, will you still do what God himself asks you to do? Will you take his hand in the sudden darkness and not demand to see every step, or throw your hands up in despair that you can no longer see?
What I have learned over the past several months as I have prayed for my faith to magically be restored and my understanding to be quickened again, is that it hasn't worked that way. I have begged to be either safely brought back inside the room where it all made perfect sense, OR be allowed to throw the whole thing away. The Lord has not given me either. But he has gently talked to me and asked for things. He has reminded me that my loyalty is to him. He is reminded me of the times he has showed me his love. He has reminded me that I can trust him, the creator of all. He has reminded me that the first principle of the gospel of faith—and faith is not knowing. Faith is trusting. In our church, we always talk about knowing, and it is scary when you realize you’ve got to go back to faith in the Lord Jesus Christ instead.
And sometimes, when I think I want to ask if everything is true and please just restore my testimony, sometimes I feel like He is still working on the foundation, and probably this time making it stronger, and based on the fundamentals: Do I trust Jesus Christ? Will I be loyal to him?
I look on what I have come to know about God, his amazing power and love and compassion, and I don't believe there's anyone in this world, in our church or out of it, who can call upon him and not have him answer. And even in my most doubtful moments, I knew that even if this entire church was founded on lies, that the God I knew would happily take 15 million people who wanted to serve him and would still bring things about to his purposes. I joked with my husband, "even if this wasn't his church to start out with, God would never turn down 15 million volunteers." I say this jokingly, but there's some truth to the idea that wherever people want to serve Him, he will accept it and make it his. Including you, there on your mission. He has the power to transcend even the most baffling of human weaknesses.
This is a very good thing, since our church, as well as any other organization involving human beings, is rife with them. How can something with real flaws be of God? It's a question we could ask about the entire earth, about each other, about ourselves. But I see that he will work with anything willing to work with him.
So, if I were to offer any advice, it is to be firmly and faithfully loyal to your Savior, Jesus Christ. Trust him, trust that if you put him first, you will not be led astray. No matter what crazy story, true or false, you might hear about the church, nothing can separate you from the love of God, Paul says so. If the Lord's hand is ready to hold and guide you through whatever you need to know, you don't need to feel you have no foundation.
It's too easy to throw it all away -everything our ancestors sacrificed so much for. I was so close to just bagging it all. It would be so much easier in some ways. It got to a point where I almost did not want it to be true. Some things were too painful and too hard. But I tried to stay loyal to Christ himself, and I put my hand in his, first and foremost, and I feel okay.
But this isn't because he opened the heavens to give me a great vision about how 'it's all okay and everything is perfectly true just as I always thought it was.' I feel him asking me, "If I tell you, will you do what I ask? Do you trust me?"
One day he says to me, "Keep paying your tithing,”
and I think, “What does that mean? If you want me to do that, then the
church must be true, and this follows, and that follows . . .” and he tells me
that tithing is a law of sacrifice to God that aligns our hearts to him and
away from selfishness. I have felt him asking me to keep the promises I
have made to him. I think, “Well, the church must be true then if you
want me to keep my promises made in the church . . . “ and he says, "the
words and promises you spoke are made to me, and your obligation is to me."
I can't back out on
the promises to love and serve God, just because doubts have come
up.
I have also felt him telling me that he put me here for a reason, that I was born into this church, this time and this place and with these people and with this culture for a reason, because he wants me here. This is my place in the world. And that makes sense, because we can stand as a witness of Christ in all things and all places. Why not then here? Why not in this church? If our whole mission on this earth is to feel and reflect the love of God (which I believe it is), then we can do that anywhere, with anyone. And this is where he put me.
That is not to say it doesn't matter if we stay or if we go. It really does. I have felt him telling me that there are some opportunities and experiences He wants to give me here, things he wants me to participate in here, where he put me, that wouldn’t be available to me if I changed course midstream.
And as I have thought on it, I feel that the Lord really is doing something. I feel him really using this church to move forward a greater purpose.
I have also felt him telling me that he put me here for a reason, that I was born into this church, this time and this place and with these people and with this culture for a reason, because he wants me here. This is my place in the world. And that makes sense, because we can stand as a witness of Christ in all things and all places. Why not then here? Why not in this church? If our whole mission on this earth is to feel and reflect the love of God (which I believe it is), then we can do that anywhere, with anyone. And this is where he put me.
That is not to say it doesn't matter if we stay or if we go. It really does. I have felt him telling me that there are some opportunities and experiences He wants to give me here, things he wants me to participate in here, where he put me, that wouldn’t be available to me if I changed course midstream.
And as I have thought on it, I feel that the Lord really is doing something. I feel him really using this church to move forward a greater purpose.
I did have a pretty big reminder lately—several years ago I was folding laundry and watching Thomas Monson be sustained. As I stopped folding to sustain him, I felt an overwhelming and intense witness that he was called of God. I remember almost laughing and saying to the Lord, "This is a little bit of overkill, don't you think? I am in the boat, I don't really need you to hammer that home."
Famous last words. :-)
I hadn't even remembered this until recently as I struggled with these things, and the Lord brought it to my remembrance, gently reminding me that I told him it was overkill.
There's something about this church. There's something he's doing with us that does matter. It could be all of it is fundamentally perfectly true, no matter what all the stories are. But regardless, I do feel him working with it, and I feel him asking me to stay and follow Christ and love God and neighbor here, in this church.
I keep imagining Peter on the water, how could he not look at the wind and the waves and the impossibility of walking on water—a foundation that seems completely not solid? This may be what you are feeling now. It seems an impossible walk—to walk in the darkness, by faith (the first principle). Where is the solid knowledge we so heartily profess over the pulpit? Who needs faith with that? But now you find yourself on liquid ground. What does Christ ask? Christ asks us to look at him and be not afraid, just look at him—keep focus on him. We will sink when we look at the waves in the wind—aka fear.
But if your eyes are
on Christ, you will be safe and you can walk this difficult, seemingly
impossible walk. A walk of
faith.
Friend, be loyal to Christ. Trust him, even if it feels like your foundations are shaking and you're walking on something as unstable as water. Look at him, and not the waves and you will not be led astray.
Of course Christ is pleased with you desiring to teach people about him. You don't need to worry that you're wasting your time or doing something he would not want you to do. His compassion and his love is what will save you, and telling others on your mission about his compassion and love will help save them. The church exists to bring people to Christ, if you're a missionary for this church, whatever its possible failings, you can still bring people to Christ.
I don't know if this was helpful in any way. But I feel compelled to tell you that if you decide to push forward and keep your hand in the Lord's, and trust that he will teach you and lead you and give you clarity in his time, that there might be a time in the future where you look back and realize that you needed to have your table turned over so that your foundation could be built stronger for the things that might lie in front of you.
Friend, be loyal to Christ. Trust him, even if it feels like your foundations are shaking and you're walking on something as unstable as water. Look at him, and not the waves and you will not be led astray.
Of course Christ is pleased with you desiring to teach people about him. You don't need to worry that you're wasting your time or doing something he would not want you to do. His compassion and his love is what will save you, and telling others on your mission about his compassion and love will help save them. The church exists to bring people to Christ, if you're a missionary for this church, whatever its possible failings, you can still bring people to Christ.
I don't know if this was helpful in any way. But I feel compelled to tell you that if you decide to push forward and keep your hand in the Lord's, and trust that he will teach you and lead you and give you clarity in his time, that there might be a time in the future where you look back and realize that you needed to have your table turned over so that your foundation could be built stronger for the things that might lie in front of you.
Don’t tell
the Lord what he needs to tell you and how. Ask him what you need to
know.
When he sees that you
really are willing to do whatever he asks (and won’t go away sorrowing like the
rich young man who couldn’t let go of something), when he sees that you will
believe what he tells you, the answers will come, even if they take some
time.
I do feel for you Brother--the wind and waves are real, loud, and very scary. Keep your eye on the Savior, be honest in your prayers about how you are feeling, and when you are ready, tell the Lord you will do whatever he wants. You will be okay.
Your sister in Christ,
Valerie
I do feel for you Brother--the wind and waves are real, loud, and very scary. Keep your eye on the Savior, be honest in your prayers about how you are feeling, and when you are ready, tell the Lord you will do whatever he wants. You will be okay.
Your sister in Christ,
Valerie
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